How She Really Feels About Going South

The festive season is all about giving, whether that’s love, presents or laying on a spread to make Nigella explode with innuendos. But with all this ‘giving’ isn’t it only fair that we receive something in return? After all, we reward Santa for emptying his bulging sack all over our living room by giving him a frothy glass of white stuff and a lengthy carrot.

So do us women ‘give to receive’; orally speaking, and how does it really make us feel when you not-so-subtly push our heads closer to your third leg?

Blow Jobs, head, gobbling, smoking the peace pipe, sucking someone off, playing the pink oboe; these are just a handful of terms used for oral sex on a bloke, which were probably thought up by one too. There’s something filthy and dominating about a BJ, and perhaps I have watched too many porn clips, but the woman is usually on her knees and the bloke eventually rams his junk into her mouth, before occasionally slapping her round the face with said Schlong.

I’m all for a bit of role play and Rihanna-esque SnM, but attempting to re-enact said porn scene after she’s had a long day at work may result in something which resembles the opening scene from Saw, should she choose to bite down in anger; hey if you treat her like a dog don’t be surprised if she acts like one.

Men I approached about blow jobs; not a regular occurrence so don’t go Tweeting me with #BJrequest, were more than a little disappointed that their ladies wouldn’t head down South and pay six inch Simon a visit more often. Unfortunately you may have to accept that your dick is like Marmite; some women want the salty goodness in their mouths and others gag at the mere thought of it. But there’s no need to be offended, and by setting your own sexual compass to ‘S’ during foreplay, you’ll soon find her more than willing to return the favour; one female trait I’m sure you are thankful for.

To quote the epic movie Superbad ‘Some women pride themselves on their dick taking ability.’ Yes fellas, some women actually do (instanterection.com) So if you happen to stumble across one of these exotic creatures, please remember she will go South of her own devices; pushing her head towards the destination like a Sat Nav you are royally pissed at, will only have her exiting at the next left way before you got to offload your population paste.

So how do we really feel about blow jobs? Pretty much the same way Chelsea fans feel about Torres’s move; when his goals flow it’s orgasmic but when he fails to deliver, his price tag and Liverpool roots are rammed down your throat, reminding you of that gag reflex you possess.