What A Cock Up: How To Avoid Sext Offending

Today someone text me a picture of their penis; I’ll give you a moment to let the mental imagery sink in…

There I was, eating sausage pasta funnily enough, when my phone beeped and the sight of an erect package was staring me in the face. The words ‘luncheon ‘ and ‘meat’ were suddenly more relevant than ever, as I attempted to keep my own meat feast down, and struggled to work out which one of my conquests this girthy love tool belonged to.

After playing Guess Who with the mystery texter (has he got a hairy ball sack? No *flicks down all cards* it turned out that this poor fella had text me by mistake; apparently some girl he pulled on Saturday night had given him, what turned out to be my number. After showing it to a few work colleagues and then shamefully clearing away my desk, I thought to myself ‘do men actually think sending a picture of their member is going to have the Lynx effect on women?’

The horny texter refused to reveal his identity, so what ensued was a game of textual tennis as I tried to unmask The Green Knoblin. He asked if I wanted to suck it, claimed I had already grabbed it and the pulled out all the stops by saying ‘if you send me a picture I will tell you who I am.’ I politely dick-lined, and was left with his stumpy phallus embedded in my head for the rest of the day, while my work mates were thinking ‘she must have been around  a bit if she cannot remember who she boned.’

I can name everyone whose pants party I’ve RSVP’d to, but this guy’s banter, sleazy texts and grainy sext picture had me cringing, and made me realise that you dudes are useless when it comes to sending texts of a sexual nature.

Men are visual creatures, things catch their eye and this is why magazines, such as Nuts and Zoo feature boobs, bums and bright fonts`. Women, on the other hand, prefer a little mystery and are prepared to wait for the good stuff to come at the end. I believe this applies to sex as well, as I can remember being with a guy and him constantly asking ‘how many times have you cum for me baby?’ to which I lied and said ‘ohh ummm ahhh 3 big boy.’ Guys want everything now, and assume that women do to, but when have we both ever been on the same page?

Put it this way, would you still buy The Sun if Page 3 was replaced by your fave glamour girl laying spread eagle across a bed with her lady flower and chocolate starfish on display? No.  The same principal applies with sending racy pictures to a partner, which is why women flash a small bit of flesh and men are driven wild, where as you fellas opt to dive in balls deep; literally straight away.

So if you do feel a bit randy one evening and feel like texting an intimate picture of yourself to that special lady in your life, first of all get the number right, secondly start off with a topless shot giving her two tickets to the gun show, and thirdly, don’t send her dialogue from ‘Booty Bang 3’ unless you fancy a ‘good seeing to’ from her burly brother.

It’s all about retaining the mystery and keeping her wanting more, as they’ll be plenty of time for her to see your bell end, and how you act like one, if things pan out in the future. I’d like to think my mystery sexter is mortally embarrassed by the picture he sent me, not just for the graphic detail, but for his messy room and pink duvet cover.